Friday, July 12, 2013
Dear Mary: your problems solved
6 JANUARY 2011
Q. At a dinner party recently my husband, who is foreign, suddenly muttered, Elif air ab tizak! to the lady sitting next to him. Naturally all eyes turned to me for an explanation. What would you have done in the circumstances, Mary?
–– L.P., Surrey
A. Assuming that the lady in question has a weak grasp of Arabic, overturn your glass suddenly, reach for a paper napkin and say, sweetly but firmly, “I’m sure everyone’s heard that joke, dear!”
12 JULY 2011
Q. I find myself in a quandary, Mary. Seven years ago, my wife bore a child to Mr. Rupert Murdoch -- she is an honest woman and she made a point of admitting I wasn’t the father the moment the child was born. I’ve always been a firm admirer of the Australian newspaperman and I raised no objection when she decided to call the little boy Rupert Murdoch (my own name is Handley) -- indeed I was rather proud. But now that Mr Murdoch is in a pickle, inextricably it seems, I wonder if I should go to the trouble of changing the lad’s name. What would you recommend, Mary?
–– G.H. Worcs
A. I recommend that you wake up and smell the horse manure. You appear to be in it up to your neck, so it shouldn’t be too difficult. Change the boy’s surname to “Bear” – that should give him a better chance in life. And changing your own to “Imbecile” might give the rest of us a fighting chance.
8 JANUARY 2011
Q. Recently my husband brought home a stuffed otter, which he keeps in his study and talks to incessantly. Mutual friends say they have noticed a change in his demeanour: he no longer follows the cricket and he has turned down an all-expenses-paid golfing holiday in California
–– L.B.W., Lancs
A. Mention casually that you have been in touch with a long-lost cousin who is a 29-year-old male dancer, noted for his risqué routines and love of otters, and that you are considering inviting him for the weekend. Your husband will soon realise that his otter is coming between you.
9 JANUARY 2011
Q. My wife’s niece, of whom we are both inordinately fond, has announced her engagement to a young man whom we suspect may be an African. We are broad-minded, but in somewhat of a dilemma as to what to buy the happy couple as a wedding present. Bearing in mind Muslims’ aversion to pork, champagne and traditional jazz, what would you suggest, Mary?
–– O.M.G., South Shields
A. You say that you suspect he may be African; but even if this is the case, there is always the possibility that he might be Jewish. Play safe and buy the couple a season ticket for the Royal Opera House. If they don’t enjoy opera, they can always sell the ticket to Christian friends.
10 JANUARY 2011
Q. At a dinner party last week I found myself confronted by a plate of coddled whelks. These, famously, disagree with me, but I didn’t like to turn them down because our host was my husband’s boss, and I didn’t want to appear either churlish or Jewish – especially as my husband was in line for promotion. So I ate them. By the time the steamed guppy course arrived I was experiencing serious problems and had to leave the table for the bathroom, where I evacuated explosively from both ends. But as if this weren’t enough, I had only just started to clean myself and the bathroom furniture when I ran out of toilet paper with the job barely a quarter completed. What would you have done in the circumstances, Mary?
–– G.O., W. Midlands
A. Assuming that the bathroom was on an upper floor, well away from the dining room, I would have done what I usually do in these circumstances. I would have set fire to the house and waited until it was well established before raising the alarm. Only later, when the Fire Brigade had gone and calm been restored, would I tell my host and fellow-guests that I had been raped while struggling with the arsonist. This would have guaranteed your husband’s well-deserved promotion.
11 JANUARY 2011
Q. My fiancée and I are able to speak frankly to each other about most matters of intimacy as we prepare for married life, but there are one or two problems involving everyday bodily functions that have us stumped. Most of these revolve around the vexed question of breaking wind. When is it appropriate and when is it inappropriate?
–– B.G.,E. Sussex
A. I'm often amazed at how shy some people are about admitting they are mammals and I think it's high time we all owned up. We should trumpet the good news as often and as loudly as possible, and what better arena could there possibly be to celebrate it than the marriage bed? Countless marriages have been saved by the simple intimacy of wind frankly shared and many happy couples have been made happier by the fun and pleasure of noisy flatulence. The practice may be extended to include other couples and single friends without prejudice to one's sacred vows or duties as a husband or wife. However, I would advise caution before exercising this kind of ease in the company of in-laws without discussing it with them first, or at least warning them.
12 JANUARY 2011
Q. How should one react when confronted with ill-trained and dangerous pets belonging to one’s friends and acquaintances? I was recently bitten by a Dachshund puppy belonging to a tenant farmer. Since the attack took place in the man’s own scullery, I was at a loss. He did apologise and explained in the animal’s defence that it was had been a Christmas gift to his children and was only five weeks old, having lost its mother in a shooting accident. What would you have done, Mary?
–– W.P., Somerset
A. There can be no excuse for keeping an unruly animal, on or off one’s own property, and the beast’s age is irrelevant. I would have insisted that the man have it destroyed immediately and if he had raised any objection I’d have seen to it myself in summary fashion. My father always used to carry a shotgun for just such occasions and was well known for using it often and without mercy. Untamed pets, unruly cattle and ramblers would head for the hills when they heard his hoofbeats approaching.
19 JANUARY 2011
Q. My next-door neighbour is a dear old soul, bless her, and I've always had a high regard for her kindness, goodwill and discretion. It is her discretion that concerns me now, Mary. Although she is forty years my senior, she is an attractive woman and I was drawn to her maturity and experience during a rocky patch in my marriage, following the birth of our fifth child seven years ago. Our affair continued until six months ago, when she was diagnosed with Altzheimer's. Since then she has behaved increasingly erratically. We have had to stop inviting her to tea because she tends to sit in my lap and fondle me with an unmistakable proprietary air, my wife no longer feels comfortable taking compassion packages and friendship meals to her house because she persists in talking about my tastes and habits as a lover, and three times she has entered our house and climbed into our bed. It is only a matter of time before the penny drops and my wife realises that our neighbour is not completely gaga. What would you do, Mary?
–– I.P. Wilts
A. You should tell your wife the whole story. She is clearly a generous-spirited woman, and she will no doubt put you into the same category as the compassion packages and friendship meals when you decide to do the decent thing and resume regular sexual relations with your neighbour.
29 JANUARY 2011
Q. My mother, who is 89 and lives in Paris Paris
–– H.M., London
A. Hire a French Depardieu impressionist (a wide variety are available at reasonable rates from mais_oui_madame_je_suis_gérard.fr) and get him to ’phone your mother to say that he has heard about her forthcoming birthday do and would be delighted to attend, particularly as this will give him the opportunity to practise his English. Meanwhile, provided your husband is agreeable, you might ask the young man to give you a few pointers in his native tongue.
19 MARCH 2011
Q. I have recently met a man nearly thirty years my junior (I am 57) and I believe that he loves me as much as I love him. The difficulty is that he suffers from a rare disorder which renders him incapable of speaking when sexually aroused. Consequently, our love-making is rather a one-sided affair when it comes to pillow talk – unless he is thoroughly exhausted, in which case he lapses into his native Bulgarian, the nuances of which I find hard to follow. How can I help him to articulate his passion, in the Queen’s English, during those very special moments, Mary?
–– P.D., Swansea
A. Your new boyfriend is almost certainly a bogus asylum-seeker, who is using his Bulgarian in order to avoid long-term commitment. You would be well advised to look for an Englishman, who is more likely to give you the oral encouragement you need.
6 JUNE, 2011
Q. My husband, who is often away on business, has always complimented my younger sister on her looks. Recently, in my sister’s presence, he remarked that I had “run to fat”, and proceeded to liken our moments of intimacy to “grappling with a hippopotamus”. Should I be concerned?
–– S.J., Hants
A. Yes, I think you should. Many men find younger, slimmer women infinitely more attractive than a wife who’s let herself go. Give up rich foods and alcohol – and be sure to wash regularly.
22 APRIL 2011
Q. I am foreign and am speaking no English but my sister, who learns language in the school, is writing this for me. I am wanting to meet an English boy and live in your country with his babies, preferring mews house near Buckingham Palace
–– R.A.F. (address withheld)
A. Good heavens, my dear, I should have thought the solution was obvious! Disguise yourself as a Serbian prostitute, squeeze your firm thighs into the back of a container lorry and when the customs officer asks to see your papers at Dover
Q. Eighteen months ago my niece married a Greek she had met on holiday, about whom my wife and I had serious doubts. Now, whenever we meet, he makes a point of paying my wife (who is on the portly side) undue and, to be frank, embarrassing compliments, comparing her breasts to ripe melons and her derriere to plump peaches. My niece seems unperturbed by this, passing it off as “sailor’s talk”, but how do I put a stop to it without appearing a humourless old curmudgeon?
–– P.W., Somerset
A. It is well known that Greek men are fond of meat on the bone and I suspect that your niece may be a trifle slim, as many young girls aspire to be these days. Encourage her to eat more fat and carbohydrates and you’ll soon find that your nephew-in-law will transfer his attention from your wife to your niece’s ample features.
13 JUNE 2011
Q. My wife, who is a slattern, regularly exposes her breasts at our dinner parties. As most of my friends are fairly broad-minded, this has not caused undue social embarrassment so far. However, next week we are entertaining a very important client from Bahrain
–– C.H., Doncaster
A. Explain, sotto voce, to your guest as you take his hat and coat at the door, that your wife has recently converted to Islam and is anxious that her breasts are pointing towards Mecca Mecca
31 MARCH 2011
Q. I have always embraced nudity and celebrated whenever possible the naked human form, my own and that of as many others as possible. I have been a member of more nudist camps than I can remember over the years, but in these more enlightened times it is no longer necessary to hide behind high walls and barbed wire fences to exercise one's philosophy of life. Our beaches are packed with nudes and one may encounter nudes in parks and on waste ground throughout the land.
The only place, it seems, where nudes are unwelcome, is in my own home. I have tried to interest my wife in my way of life but to no avail. I have invited my fellow-nudes into our home for social and recreational purposes, but my wife has rejected their fellowship. And so, I am sad to say, have all eight of our children, all of whom left home many years ago and have lives of their own, none of which revolves around nudity.
I am determined not to give up, Mary. How do you suggest I should proceed? I include a photograph.
The only place, it seems, where nudes are unwelcome, is in my own home. I have tried to interest my wife in my way of life but to no avail. I have invited my fellow-nudes into our home for social and recreational purposes, but my wife has rejected their fellowship. And so, I am sad to say, have all eight of our children, all of whom left home many years ago and have lives of their own, none of which revolves around nudity.
I am determined not to give up, Mary. How do you suggest I should proceed? I include a photograph.
–– B.U.N., Northants
A. I suggest you keep your trousers on. I also suggest that you should consider yourself very fortunate that your wife has stuck with you all these years. I further suggest that you should be somewhat more circumspect before sending such offensive packets through Her Majesty's postal services. When I passed your disgusting photograph to the police, they advised me that you are well-known for your habit of sending artistic studies of yourself in the nude to newspapers, to television and radio stations the length and breadth of the country, and to private individuals with whom you have no connection whatever – and that this has been going on for many, many decades. But to answer your question: now that your children have left home, I see no reason why you and your wife should not enjoy a very considerable degree of nudity together. In fact, I hold your curmudgeonly wife with her dog-in-the-manger attitude to nudes and nudity one hundred percent responsible for your being the persistent nuisance that you clearly are.
31 MARCH 2011
Q. I recently had occasion to be in a very foreign country on a rather sensitive mission about which I am at liberty to tell you nothing except that my work is of great benefit to developing and underprivileged nations such as the one I was in. The President put me up in what he referred to quaintly as a “Four Star Hotel” and my organisation footed the somewhat impertinent bill of eighty dollars American per night. I assumed of course that this would include the usual services, and was not unpleased to open my door at eight o’clock the morning after my first night to a rather plump and pleasing local wench. She was pushing a cart full of devices which I naturally took to be engines in The Armoury of Venus. I couldn’t wait to fix my lips to her fulsome bubbies and I would swear to St Peter himself that I heard a yelp of native desire coming from between her generous swarthy buttocks. I sprang to action immediately. Encouraged by her spirited resistance and her cries for help, I took the part of Mars to her playful Venus and believe me, Mary, I gave as good as I got, bah Jov, and after much vigorous tussle she fled in pretty disarray, a becoming blush on her pretty black face, along with a few hard-won and very fetching cuts and bruises! Imagine my surprise when officers of the local constabulary -- what passes in those parts for a police force -- burst into my room and put me under arrest. I smilingly opened my wallet to pay my respects to what I assumed was the custom there as it is in most of the countries I visit in the course of my valuable work, but imagine my amazement, Mary, when these damned baboons turned me down! I was locked up, refused bail even on my own recognizances, and imagine my horreur, Mary, when the organisation of which I am the most internationally admired representative, abandoned me in my hour of need! Every time I call him on the telephone my country’s ambassador is busy playing golf on the excellent links which were part of a deal I myself brokered several years ago. I call this irony, Mary.
I am at a loss, Mary. What do you suggest?
–– D.S-K. Nouvelle Iorque
A. I suggest you boil up a pot of chicken fat (the basis of so much of your host country’s excellent cuisine) and when it starts to smoke stick your head in it.
7 JUNE 2011
Q. My friend, a farmer, often has occasion to threaten “ramblers” who cause damage grubbing for disused footpaths on his land. One of them recently claimed that his “Trespassers Will Be Prosecuted” signs are both illegal and absurd, arguing that it is not up to my friend who is to be prosecuted and the crime of trespass can only be established in a court of law. My friend, for the sake of clarity, changed his signs to read, “Ramblers Will Be Shot”. I warned him that he might be making trouble for himself, but he says he’s legally and morally in the right and that he is protected by Natural Justice. Is he right, Mary, or is my friend digging himself deeper into a trough of trouble?
–– G.O., W. Midlands
A. Your friend is quite safe as long as he is prepared to be more specific in the wording of his signs. “Ramblers Will be Murdered” will give him full protection under the law.
7 JANUARY 2011
Q. A very dear friend stayed with us over New Year at our cottage in the Cotswolds. We have always got on famously but recently she has embarked on a weight-loss diet consisting entirely of anchovies and curried beans, which makes her breath smell terribly and leads to the involuntary passing of wind. My husband has said he cannot stand to be in the same room as her, but now she has invited us both to spend Easter with her in a caravan near Hastings
–– W.C., Chester
A. Explain that you too, having put on extra weight at Christmas, have embarked on a diet – mentioning the malodorousness and flatulence which it causes. She will either have cause to reflect on her own anti-social behaviour, and give up her diet forthwith – or else she will understand why you would find it difficult to inflict your condition on others, especially at a time of religious remembrance.
23 NOVEMBER 2011
Q. My husband, who is a homosexual spy, refuses to eat pork on the grounds that, if both Muslims and Jews are united in condemning it, they must have good reason for their abhorrence. He has gone so far as to forbid Cook from preparing any dishes that involve pig meat. The trouble is that, as a devout Christian, I am inordinately fond of bacon. How can I make the breakfast table more convivial, Mary, without offending my husband’s sensibilities?
–– C.H.., Kent
A. Point out to your husband that in many Muslim countries homosexuality is considered to be almost as bad as pork, and that, moreover, the Jews leave a lot to be desired when it comes to sound judgement – as their shameful treatment of Jesus testifies.
Q. Since my husband died some fifty years ago my daughter has persistently urged me to seek a new partner but I have been reluctant to frequent the sort of venues at which I imagine men in search of ‘company’ are to be found. Now, with the advent of the internet, I have made a number of solid online friendships and one of the men with whom I have been regularly conversing – Zeppo, from Norwich – has invited me to spend the weekend with him for what he describes as “a fiesta of fun and frolics”. What should I pack for such an occasion, Mary?
–– D.H., Luton
A. Your toothbrush and a condom should be sufficient. But to be on the safe side, given the changeable weather at this time of year, an umbrella would not go amiss.
12 JULY 2011
Q. I was intrigued recently by something that came up on Upstairs Downstairs -- odd, isn’t it, how something set in 1936 should be so relevant to now? I noted with interest that when one of the younger and more volatile male servants caused a ruckus in the local pub, Lady Agnes took the advice of the splendid Lady Maud and protected the lad from the Constabulary, preferring to take matters of discipline into her own hands. I strongly approved of the ladies’ discretion, but being myself the employer of a rather large household and personal staff I would be interested to know your views, Mary, on how far this discretion should extend. I ask because I recently found out that my butler – an honourable and invaluable man who has served my family for over forty years and upon whose own discretion and personal integrity my family has relied, indeed at times depended – has killed a dozen young women during his sterling service in our household. I am sure he had his own good reasons for behaving thus and so far I have forborn to take the matter up with him – he knows I know, but I don’t want him to feel that this in anyway compromises the essential mutual trust that has always existed between us. But on the other hand, I have a responsibility both to him and to the sacred bond between master and servant.
–– P.M.C d’R, Wilts
A. I agree – and you would be shirking your responsibility if you went for the most tempting solution: the discreetly placed service revolver with a single bullet in the chamber, the bottle of brandy, and so on. You are of course perfectly correct not to involve the plod – they don’t understand the delicacy of these things. But on the other hand, you can’t really have a mass murderer under your roof. Your duty is clear: you must execute him yourself. If he is half the man I think he is, I’ve no doubt he’ll suggest this himself if you don’t do your duty by suggesting it first. After that, I’m sure you know that whatever method you choose, it must do justice to the stern intimacy of your relationship. I have always used a gun on these occasions, but since you are a man it might be appropriate to strangle your faithful servant.
10 MARCH 2011
Q. As a man of some seventy-five summers, I have led a full and vigorous sex-life for at least sixty of those fair seasons. I read recently that a man of my years should expect some falling-off, or diminishing, not just of his sexual vigour, but also of his actual ardour. Now, Mary, lumbago, rheumatism and constipation may be easily overcome or ignored by a man in the grip of passion, but what if that man is incapable of passion itself? The thought chills the blood, Mary. Sex is far too precious for me to relinquish. I refuse to give it up, and frankly I don’t see why I should. I am not a married man, Mary. What would you suggest?
–– B.C., Rutland
A. I would suggest that you obtain a prescription immediately for Viagra or Cialis to maintain and improve your performance. You don’t say if you are a drinking man. Whether you are or not, drink is a great promoter of desire. I recommend a large rum or double brandy to start the day, followed by a similar libation at hourly intervals. At four in the afternoon, I recommend a bottle of champagne, with gin to follow at five, six and seven. Wine with dinner, of course. I recommend maintenance doses of a strengthening India Pale Ale through the evening, or a trip to the pub. As Shakespeare observes in what actors insist on calling his Scottish play, strong drink may provoke desire, but can detract from the performance. I therefore recommend a stimulant, such as a robust amphetamine, to be taken throughout the day and during the evening. I won’t hear a word said against amphetamines. My father skippered a submarine during the war and lived on Benzedrine below the waves: he sank four hundred vessels, many of them belonging to the enemy. And it’s never done me any harm either. I should point out that most ladies of your own age have reached what I call The Age Of Discernment, and are probably looking for something younger than you. What you need is something either too old – or too young – to care. I should plump for the latter. Many schools these days are short-staffed, and some recruit for teachers among the elderly. I suggest you apply for a post. I am not of course proposing underage sex, but there is nothing to stop you, once you have selected a partner, from grooming her to be your paramour. I appreciate your urgency, so I suggest a girl of fifteen – virgin, of course. You should dazzle her with your erudition (I suggest you select from among the lower attainment levels), as well as educating her subtly so that almost without realising it she will rely on you completely for everything. And then in a year or less (and at your age it will be gone in the blink of an eye) you’ll be legally entitled to teach her what “everything” involves.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
4: Dear Mary: your problems solved
Dear Mary: your problems solved
6 January 2011
Q. At a dinner party recently my husband, who is foreign, suddenly muttered, Elif air ab tizak! to the lady sitting next to him. Naturally all eyes turned to me for an explanation. What would you have done in the circumstances, Mary?
–– L.P., Surrey
A. Assuming that the lady in question has a weak grasp of Arabic, overturn your glass suddenly, reach for a paper napkin and say, sweetly but firmly, “I’m sure everyone’s heard that joke, dear!”
12 July 2011
Q. I find myself in a quandary, Mary. Seven years ago, my wife bore a child to Mr. Rupert Murdoch -- she is an honest woman and she made a point of admitting I wasn’t the father the moment the child was born. I’ve always been a firm admirer of the Australian newspaperman and I raised no objection when she decided to call the little boy Rupert Murdoch (my own name is Handley) -- indeed I was rather proud. But now that Mr Murdoch is in a pickle, inextricably it seems, I wonder if I should go to the trouble of changing the lad’s name. What would you recommend, Mary?
–– G.H. Worcs
A. I recommend that you wake up and smell the horse manure. You appear to be in it up to your neck, so it shouldn’t be too difficult. Change the boy’s surname to “Bear” – that should give him a better chance in life. And changing your own to “Imbecile” might give the rest of us a fighting chance.
8 January 2011
Q. Recently my husband brought home a stuffed otter, which he keeps in his study and talks to incessantly. Mutual friends say they have noticed a change in his demeanour: he no longer follows the cricket and he has turned down an all-expenses-paid golfing holiday in California
–– L.B.W., Lancs
A. Mention casually that you have been in touch with a long-lost cousin who is a 29-year-old male dancer, noted for his risqué routines and love of otters, and that you are considering inviting him for the weekend. Your husband will soon realise that his otter is coming between you.
9 January 2011
Q. My wife’s niece, of whom we are both inordinately fond, has announced her engagement to a young man whom we suspect may be an African. We are broad-minded, but in somewhat of a dilemma as to what to buy the happy couple as a wedding present. Bearing in mind Muslims’ aversion to pork, champagne and traditional jazz, what would you suggest, Mary?
–– O.M.G., South Shields
A. You say that you suspect he may be African; but even if this is the case, there is always the possibility that he might be Jewish. Play safe and buy the couple a season ticket for the Royal Opera House. If they don’t enjoy opera, they can always sell the ticket to Christian friends.
10 January 2011
Q. At a dinner party last week I found myself confronted by a plate of coddled whelks. These, famously, disagree with me, but I didn’t like to turn them down because our host was my husband’s boss, and I didn’t want to appear either churlish or Jewish – especially as my husband was in line for promotion. So I ate them. By the time the steamed guppy course arrived I was experiencing serious problems and had to leave the table for the bathroom, where I evacuated explosively from both ends. But as if this weren’t enough, I had only just started to clean myself and the bathroom furniture when I ran out of toilet paper with the job barely a quarter completed. What would you have done in the circumstances, Mary?
–– G.O., W. Midlands
A. Assuming that the bathroom was on an upper floor, well away from the dining room, I would have done what I usually do in these circumstances. I would have set fire to the house and waited until it was well established before raising the alarm. Only later, when the Fire Brigade had gone and calm been restored, would I tell my host and fellow-guests that I had been raped while struggling with the arsonist. This would have guaranteed your husband’s well-deserved promotion.
11 January 2011
Q. My fiancée and I are able to speak frankly to each other about most matters of intimacy as we prepare for married life, but there are one or two problems involving everyday bodily functions that have us stumped. Most of these revolve around the vexed question of breaking wind. When is it appropriate and when is it inappropriate?
–– B.G.,E. Sussex
A. I'm often amazed at how shy some people are about admitting they are mammals and I think it's high time we all owned up. We should trumpet the good news as often and as loudly as possible, and what better arena could there possibly be to celebrate it than the marriage bed? Countless marriages have been saved by the simple intimacy of wind frankly shared and many happy couples have been made happier by the fun and pleasure of noisy flatulence. The practice may be extended to include other couples and single friends without prejudice to one's sacred vows or duties as a husband or wife. However, I would advise caution before exercising this kind of ease in the company of in-laws without discussing it with them first, or at least warning them.
12 January 2011
Q. How should one react when confronted with ill-trained and dangerous pets belonging to one’s friends and acquaintances? I was recently bitten by a Dachshund puppy belonging to a tenant farmer. Since the attack took place in the man’s own scullery, I was at a loss. He did apologise and explained in the animal’s defence that it was had been a Christmas gift to his children and was only five weeks old, having lost its mother in a shooting accident. What would you have done, Mary?
–– W.P., Somerset
A. There can be no excuse for keeping an unruly animal, on or off one’s own property, and the beast’s age is irrelevant. I would have insisted that the man have it destroyed immediately and if he had raised any objection I’d have seen to it myself in summary fashion. My father always used to carry a shotgun for just such occasions and was well known for using it often and without mercy. Untamed pets, unruly cattle and ramblers would head for the hills when they heard his hoofbeats approaching.
19 January 2011
Q. My next-door neighbour is a dear old soul, bless her, and I've always had a high regard for her kindness, goodwill and discretion. It is her discretion that concerns me now, Mary. Although she is forty years my senior, she is an attractive woman and I was drawn to her maturity and experience during a rocky patch in my marriage, following the birth of our fifth child seven years ago. Our affair continued until six months ago, when she was diagnosed with Altzheimer's. Since then she has behaved increasingly erratically. We have had to stop inviting her to tea because she tends to sit in my lap and fondle me with an unmistakable proprietary air, my wife no longer feels comfortable taking compassion packages and friendship meals to her house because she persists in talking about my tastes and habits as a lover, and three times she has entered our house and climbed into our bed. It is only a matter of time before the penny drops and my wife realises that our neighbour is not completely gaga. What would you do, Mary?
–– I.P. Wilts
A. You should tell your wife the whole story. She is clearly a generous-spirited woman, and she will no doubt put you into the same category as the compassion packages and friendship meals when you decide to do the decent thing and resume regular sexual relations with your neighbour.
29 January 2011
Q. My mother, who is 89 and lives in Paris Paris
–– H.M., London
A. Hire a French Depardieu impressionist (a wide variety are available at reasonable rates from mais_oui_madame_je_suis_gérard.fr) and get him to ’phone your mother to say that he has heard about her forthcoming birthday do and would be delighted to attend, particularly as this will give him the opportunity to practise his English. Meanwhile, provided your husband is agreeable, you might ask the young man to give you a few pointers in his native tongue.
19 MARCH 2011
Q. I have recently met a man nearly thirty years my junior (I am 57) and I believe that he loves me as much as I love him. The difficulty is that he suffers from a rare disorder which renders him incapable of speaking when sexually aroused. Consequently, our love-making is rather a one-sided affair when it comes to pillow talk – unless he is thoroughly exhausted, in which case he lapses into his native Bulgarian, the nuances of which I find hard to follow. How can I help him to articulate his passion, in the Queen’s English, during those very special moments, Mary?
–– P.D., Swansea
A. Your new boyfriend is almost certainly a bogus asylum-seeker, who is using his Bulgarian in order to avoid long-term commitment. You would be well advised to look for an Englishman, who is more likely to give you the oral encouragement you need.
6 JUNE, 2011
Q. My husband, who is often away on business, has always complimented my younger sister on her looks. Recently, in my sister’s presence, he remarked that I had “run to fat”, and proceeded to liken our moments of intimacy to “grappling with a hippopotamus”. Should I be concerned?
–– S.J., Hants
A. Yes, I think you should. Many men find younger, slimmer women infinitely more attractive than a wife who’s let herself go. Give up rich foods and alcohol – and be sure to wash regularly.
22 APRIL 2011
Q. I am foreign and am speaking no English but my sister, who learns language in the school, is writing this for me. I am wanting to meet an English boy and live in your country with his babies, preferring mews house near Buckingham Palace
–– R.A.F. (address withheld)
A. Good heavens, my dear, I should have thought the solution was obvious! Disguise yourself as a Serbian prostitute, squeeze your firm thighs into the back of a container lorry and when the customs officer asks to see your papers at Dover
Q. Eighteen months ago my niece married a Greek she had met on holiday, about whom my wife and I had serious doubts. Now, whenever we meet, he makes a point of paying my wife (who is on the portly side) undue and, to be frank, embarrassing compliments, comparing her breasts to ripe melons and her derriere to plump peaches. My niece seems unperturbed by this, passing it off as “sailor’s talk”, but how do I put a stop to it without appearing a humourless old curmudgeon?
–– P.W., Somerset
A. It is well known that Greek men are fond of meat on the bone and I suspect that your niece may be a trifle slim, as many young girls aspire to be these days. Encourage her to eat more fat and carbohydrates and you’ll soon find that your nephew-in-law will transfer his attention from your wife to your niece’s ample features.
13 JUNE 2011
Q. My wife, who is a slattern, regularly exposes her breasts at our dinner parties. As most of my friends are fairly broad-minded, this has not caused undue social embarrassment so far. However, next week we are entertaining a very important client from Bahrain
–– C.H., Doncaster
A. Explain, sotto voce, to your guest as you take his hat and coat at the door, that your wife has recently converted to Islam and is anxious that her breasts are pointing towards Mecca Mecca
31 MARCH 2011
Q. I have always embraced nudity and celebrated whenever possible the naked human form, my own and that of as many others as possible. I have been a member of more nudist camps than I can remember over the years, but in these more enlightened times it is no longer necessary to hide behind high walls and barbed wire fences to exercise one's philosophy of life. Our beaches are packed with nudes and one may encounter nudes in parks and on waste ground throughout the land.
The only place, it seems, where nudes are unwelcome, is in my own home. I have tried to interest my wife in my way of life but to no avail. I have invited my fellow-nudes into our home for social and recreational purposes, but my wife has rejected their fellowship. And so, I am sad to say, have all eight of our children, all of whom left home many years ago and have lives of their own, none of which revolves around nudity.
I am determined not to give up, Mary. How do you suggest I should proceed? I include a photograph.
The only place, it seems, where nudes are unwelcome, is in my own home. I have tried to interest my wife in my way of life but to no avail. I have invited my fellow-nudes into our home for social and recreational purposes, but my wife has rejected their fellowship. And so, I am sad to say, have all eight of our children, all of whom left home many years ago and have lives of their own, none of which revolves around nudity.
I am determined not to give up, Mary. How do you suggest I should proceed? I include a photograph.
–– B.U.N., Northants
A. I suggest you keep your trousers on. I also suggest that you should consider yourself very fortunate that your wife has stuck with you all these years. I further suggest that you should be somewhat more circumspect before sending such offensive packets through Her Majesty's postal services. When I passed your disgusting photograph to the police, they advised me that you are well-known for your habit of sending artistic studies of yourself in the nude to newspapers, to television and radio stations the length and breadth of the country, and to private individuals with whom you have no connection whatever – and that this has been going on for many, many decades. But to answer your question: now that your children have left home, I see no reason why you and your wife should not enjoy a very considerable degree of nudity together. In fact, I hold your curmudgeonly wife with her dog-in-the-manger attitude to nudes and nudity one hundred percent responsible for your being the persistent nuisance that you clearly are.
31 MARCH 2011
Q. I recently had occasion to be in a very foreign country on a rather sensitive mission about which I am at liberty to tell you nothing except that my work is of great benefit to developing and underprivileged nations such as the one I was in. The President put me up in what he referred to quaintly as a “Four Star Hotel” and my organisation footed the somewhat impertinent bill of eighty dollars American per night. I assumed of course that this would include the usual services, and was not unpleased to open my door at eight o’clock the morning after my first night to a rather plump and pleasing local wench. She was pushing a cart full of devices which I naturally took to be engines in The Armoury of Venus. I couldn’t wait to fix my lips to her fulsome bubbies and I would swear to St Peter himself that I heard a yelp of native desire coming from between her generous swarthy buttocks. I sprang to action immediately. Encouraged by her spirited resistance and her cries for help, I took the part of Mars to her playful Venus and believe me, Mary, I gave as good as I got, bah Jov, and after much vigorous tussle she fled in pretty disarray, a becoming blush on her pretty black face, along with a few hard-won and very fetching cuts and bruises! Imagine my surprise when officers of the local constabulary -- what passes in those parts for a police force -- burst into my room and put me under arrest. I smilingly opened my wallet to pay my respects to what I assumed was the custom there as it is in most of the countries I visit in the course of my valuable work, but imagine my amazement, Mary, when these damned baboons turned me down! I was locked up, refused bail even on my own recognizances, and imagine my horreur, Mary, when the organisation of which I am the most internationally admired representative, abandoned me in my hour of need! Every time I call him on the telephone my country’s ambassador is busy playing golf on the excellent links which were part of a deal I myself brokered several years ago. I call this irony, Mary.
I am at a loss, Mary. What do you suggest?
–– D.S-K. Nouvelle Iorque
A. I suggest you boil up a pot of chicken fat (the basis of so much of your host country’s excellent cuisine) and when it starts to smoke stick your head in it.
7 JUNE 2011
Q. My friend, a farmer, often has occasion to threaten “ramblers” who cause damage grubbing for disused footpaths on his land. One of them recently claimed that his “Trespassers Will Be Prosecuted” signs are both illegal and absurd, arguing that it is not up to my friend who is to be prosecuted and the crime of trespass can only be established in a court of law. My friend, for the sake of clarity, changed his signs to read, “Ramblers Will Be Shot”. I warned him that he might be making trouble for himself, but he says he’s legally and morally in the right and that he is protected by Natural Justice. Is he right, Mary, or is my friend digging himself deeper into a trough of trouble?
–– G.O., W. Midlands
A. Your friend is quite safe as long as he is prepared to be more specific in the wording of his signs. “Ramblers Will be Murdered” will give him full protection under the law.
7 January 2011
Q. A very dear friend stayed with us over New Year at our cottage in the Cotswolds. We have always got on famously but recently she has embarked on a weight-loss diet consisting entirely of anchovies and curried beans, which makes her breath smell terribly and leads to the involuntary passing of wind. My husband has said he cannot stand to be in the same room as her, but now she has invited us both to spend Easter with her in a caravan near Hastings
–– W.C., Chester
A. Explain that you too, having put on extra weight at Christmas, have embarked on a diet – mentioning the malodorousness and flatulence which it causes. She will either have cause to reflect on her own anti-social behaviour, and give up her diet forthwith – or else she will understand why you would find it difficult to inflict your condition on others, especially at a time of religious remembrance.
23 NOVEMBER 2011
Q. My husband, who is a homosexual spy, refuses to eat pork on the grounds that, if both Muslims and Jews are united in condemning it, they must have good reason for their abhorrence. He has gone so far as to forbid Cook from preparing any dishes that involve pig meat. The trouble is that, as a devout Christian, I am inordinately fond of bacon. How can I make the breakfast table more convivial, Mary, without offending my husband’s sensibilities?
–– C.H.., Kent
A. Point out to your husband that in many Muslim countries homosexuality is considered to be almost as bad as pork, and that, moreover, the Jews leave a lot to be desired when it comes to sound judgement – as their shameful treatment of Jesus testifies.
Q. Since my husband died some fifty years ago my daughter has persistently urged me to seek a new partner but I have been reluctant to frequent the sort of venues at which I imagine men in search of ‘company’ are to be found. Now, with the advent of the internet, I have made a number of solid online friendships and one of the men with whom I have been regularly conversing – Zeppo, from Norwich – has invited me to spend the weekend with him for what he describes as “a fiesta of fun and frolics”. What should I pack for such an occasion, Mary?
–– D.H., Luton
A. Your toothbrush and a condom should be sufficient. But to be on the safe side, given the changeable weather at this time of year, an umbrella would not go amiss.
12 July 2011
Q. I was intrigued recently by something that came up on Upstairs Downstairs -- odd, isn’t it, how something set in 1936 should be so relevant to now? I noted with interest that when one of the younger and more volatile male servants caused a ruckus in the local pub, Lady Agnes took the advice of the splendid Lady Maud and protected the lad from the Constabulary, preferring to take matters of discipline into her own hands. I strongly approved of the ladies’ discretion, but being myself the employer of a rather large household and personal staff I would be interested to know your views, Mary, on how far this discretion should extend. I ask because I recently found out that my butler – an honourable and invaluable man who has served my family for over forty years and upon whose own discretion and personal integrity my family has relied, indeed at times depended – has killed a dozen young women during his sterling service in our household. I am sure he had his own good reasons for behaving thus and so far I have forborn to take the matter up with him – he knows I know, but I don’t want him to feel that this in anyway compromises the essential mutual trust that has always existed between us. But on the other hand, I have a responsibility both to him and to the sacred bond between master and servant.
–– P.M.C d’R, Wilts
A. I agree – and you would be shirking your responsibility if you went for the most tempting solution: the discreetly placed service revolver with a single bullet in the chamber, the bottle of brandy, and so on. You are of course perfectly correct not to involve the plod – they don’t understand the delicacy of these things. But on the other hand, you can’t really have a mass murderer under your roof. Your duty is clear: you must execute him yourself. If he is half the man I think he is, I’ve no doubt he’ll suggest this himself if you don’t do your duty by suggesting it first. After that, I’m sure you know that whatever method you choose, it must do justice to the stern intimacy of your relationship. I have always used a gun on these occasions, but since you are a man it might be appropriate to strangle your faithful servant.
10 March 2011
Q. As a man of some seventy-five summers, I have led a full and vigorous sex-life for at least sixty of those fair seasons. I read recently that a man of my years should expect some falling-off, or diminishing, not just of his sexual vigour, but also of his actual ardour. Now, Mary, lumbago, rheumatism and constipation may be easily overcome or ignored by a man in the grip of passion, but what if that man is incapable of passion itself? The thought chills the blood, Mary. Sex is far too precious for me to relinquish. I refuse to give it up, and frankly I don’t see why I should. I am not a married man, Mary. What would you suggest?
–– B.C., Rutland
A. I would suggest that you obtain a prescription immediately for Viagra or Cialis to maintain and improve your performance. You don’t say if you are a drinking man. Whether you are or not, drink is a great promoter of desire. I recommend a large rum or double brandy to start the day, followed by a similar libation at hourly intervals. At four in the afternoon, I recommend a bottle of champagne, with gin to follow at five, six and seven. Wine with dinner, of course. I recommend maintenance doses of a strengthening India Pale Ale through the evening, or a trip to the pub. As Shakespeare observes in what actors insist on calling his Scottish play, strong drink may provoke desire, but can detract from the performance. I therefore recommend a stimulant, such as a robust amphetamine, to be taken throughout the day and during the evening. I won’t hear a word said against amphetamines. My father skippered a submarine during the war and lived on Benzedrine below the waves: he sank four hundred vessels, many of them belonging to the enemy. And it’s never done me any harm either. I should point out that most ladies of your own age have reached what I call The Age Of Discernment, and are probably looking for something younger than you. What you need is something either too old – or too young – to care. I should plump for the latter. Many schools these days are short-staffed, and some recruit for teachers among the elderly. I suggest you apply for a post. I am not of course proposing underage sex, but there is nothing to stop you, once you have selected a partner, from grooming her to be your paramour. I appreciate your urgency, so I suggest a girl of fifteen – virgin, of course. You should dazzle her with your erudition (I suggest you select from among the lower attainment levels), as well as educating her subtly so that almost without realising it she will rely on you completely for everything. And then in a year or less (and at your age it will be gone in the blink of an eye) you’ll be legally entitled to teach her what “everything” involves.
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